I first encountered these bathhouse “rules” many years ago. You could find them on some bathhouse websites in the 1990s, but they had been floating around Usenet in earlier years . I know that I also read them on some webzines like QNews and Bent in the early 2000s. Xtra Magazine mentioned them as recently as 2009 in an article about Lady Bunny.
They always make me chuckle, so I pass them on to you, hoping that you’ll chuckle, too. (Note that I’ve updated them slightly, but not much.) Like all good jokes, there’s a bit of truth in them — but for actual guidance, visit Bathhouse rules and Bathhouse etiquette.
The Rules of the Baths
- You can have a heart attack fucking in the hot tub.
- It’s extremely hazardous to your health to attempt to inhale poppers while under water.
- Saying, “I’m resting”, to everyone who seeks entry into your room defeats the purpose of going to the baths.
- If everyone who said, “I don’t come here often,” was telling the truth, there would be no one there.
- Those who lie naked on their stomachs with their asses in the air remind one of electric pencil sharpeners.
- Conversation in the dark room should be kept to a minimum (no talk of weather, ex‑lovers, favorite lube, etc.).
- If you’re looking for a wonderfully spiritual union with a kindred spirit, you’re in the wrong place.
- Do not assume that the guys walking into walls are on some weird new drug; most likely, they have just left their glasses in their lockers. Better to look good than to see good.
- Bathrooms have legitimate purposes. A blowjob in a toilet stall while seven guys are holding their legs crossed outside won’t make you popular.
- If you see a man in a room with Crisco, a thick belt, and a bottle of poppers… know what they’re for before entering.
- It’s okay to bring your own rope. It’s not okay to tie yourself up.
- Spending 72 consecutive hours at the baths will neither destroy your reputation nor greatly enhance it.
- If you’re cheating on your lover at the baths, don’t make a scene if you run into them there.
- People who say, “I’ve never done that before,” should be informed that deep-throating isn’t genetic.
- Those who lose keys to their rooms or lockers are never heard from again.
- The Law of Increasing Good Looks: People tend to become more attractive the longer you’re at the club.
- Men with small cocks can be technically astonishing; men with big dicks don’t have to know a damn thing.
- An old anthropological legend says there’s a tribe on a little-explored island that has no word for No. They deny sexual favors by looking mournful and saying, “I’d like to, but I just came.”
- After you’ve been fucked by twelve guys in the orgy room, you will never again convince anyone with your coy routine.
- Asking to borrow someone’s cockring is even more tasteless than asking to borrow someone’s toothbrush.
- The Law of Maximum Discomfort: When they call your room or locker number, you’ll be in a position that’s impossible to get out of without injury.
- Giggling is not an appropriate response to “Wanna fuck?”
- If you remember the title of the porn in the video area, you didn’t have a good time.
- It’s pointless to consider why guys who won’t even talk to you at the bars are so eager to suck your cock at the baths.
- Spending more than two hours with the same person makes you a couple; four hours and you’re engaged. On a good night, bigamy is possible.
- It’s considered embarrassing to have sex with someone you already know.
- Spending hours deciding what to wear to the baths is wasted time.
- Never try to explain the baths to the “proud heterosexuals.”
- “Formal attire” means a black jockstrap.
- Contrary to popular belief, one can indeed be too clean.
- You can never be too rich, too muscular, or have too big a dick.
- Believe it or not, good sex without poppers is possible. A man in New Jersey claims he does it all the time.
Auntie says…
Remember that these aren’t real rules. They’re longstanding jokes that capture some of the bathhouse culture from the 60s through the 90s. Read my real Bathhouse rules and Bathhouse etiquette to know how to act in a modern gay bathhouse.
A little history of Bathhouse Queen
This site is all about first visits to the baths, bathhouse basics, and etiquette — but this list of “rules” was instrumental in its creation: I realized that they no longer had a home on the internet, and they always make me chuckle. I wanted to give them a new home.
I also realized that I was answering a lot of the same questions on cruising sites and apps, so I began to think about how I could create a resource for folks who were new or who had a lot of questions.
Voila! Bathhouse Queen was born!