Bathhouse Queen

The language of the baths

20 min read

The language of the baths and cruising

Humans create, recreate, shape, and reform culture all the time. One of the chief ways that we do this is through language. Any language that becomes static eventually becomes a museum piece (no offense meant to Classics professors and others who love Latin or other “dead” languages).

Since Auntie believes that bathhouses and cruising constitute a subculture within the broader Queer culture, Auntie also knows that we’ve borrowed, redefined, twisted, and even reinvented certain English words and phrases to support that subculture.

This glossary will help you to learn and understand a lot of these terms — from Auntie’s viewpoint, with my usual wit and flair. Don’t think of it like a traditional “glossary.” It’s really a cultural artifact — from Her Steaminess, The Bathhouse Oracle.

Banning

Bathhouses have rules. You’ll find them on their website and/or posted somewhere in the club. They’re designed to keep the club safe and fun for all of us. Some of them are based on local laws and regulations. It’s important to know and follow them.

Anyone who violates the rules may receive a warning. But they may also be kicked out for violating a “major” rule (like smoking, drug use, or abusive behavior). If someone is banned, they are not allowed to come back the club for a period of time (weeks or months). Some bans are permanent.

Each bathhouse has its own approach to banning and how, when, or if the ban might be lifted. Auntie shares a few more thoughts and details on banning here.

Bathhouse

Well, that’s what this site is about, isn’t it? A gay bathhouse is part gym, part sauna, part sex club, and a whole lot of fun.

If you want to dig a little deeper, check out:

Baths

You may have noticed that Auntie uses “the baths” to mean “bathhouse.” This is one of those terms that predates almost all of us: Starting somewhere in the 1960s or 1970s, gay men started to refer to the bathhouse as “the baths” or “the tubs.” The term has stuck around all these years — especially for those of us who knew many older gays from that era.

BDSM

BDSM includes a range of activities, relationships, and dynamics that include:

  • Bondage
  • Discipline
  • Dominance
  • Submission
  • Sadism
  • Masochism

Some people enjoy BDSM as an occasional bedroom interest. Others see it as an important part of their identity, relationships, or participation in queer and kink subcultures.

Contrary to what some outsiders assume, healthy BDSM culture places a strong emphasis on communication, negotiation, trust, boundaries, and consent.

Auntie says…

Real BDSM is usually much less about “surprise chaos” and much more about adults communicating clearly with unambiguous consent and agreement before anybody gets tied to anything.

CBT

CBT is shorthand for Cock-and-Ball Torture, a kink activity involving consensual pain, pressure, restraint, or sensation focused on male genitalia.

While the name — and description — can sound alarming to newcomers, most people involved in CBT are not trying to cause serious injury. Like many BDSM-related activities, it typically relies on communication, trust, negotiated limits, and clear and unambiguous consent.

Auntie says…

CBT is probably not the ideal place to begin your personal “experimental physics” career without doing a bit of research first — and a bathhouse might provide a willing partner or two to explore with.

Consent means asking for and receiving a clear Yes before and during each sexual encounter — in a bathhouse or anywhere. There are some cases where the word Yes is less feasible, but we still need to ensure that our partner(s) is/are comfortable with starting or continuing/changing up each activity.

Let Auntie be very clear: Even though we’re cruising and having fun in a gay bathhouse, clear and enthusiastic consent is always a necessity — with each person and even throughout each encounter.

I share some further thoughts on consent here.

Cruising

Cruising is a term that came to us from the world of cars: When Auntie was young (and certainly long before), people literally went cruising in their cars on some well-known major streets in large and small towns and cities around the USA. We were showing off our cars, clothes, haircuts, and friends to each other.

Alongside the cars meaning, it also quickly began to mean “hanging around public places looking for the next hookup.” Queer people have been cruising for generations.

Now we cruise in both physical places (like bars, parks, public restrooms, and so on) and virtual spaces (apps and sites). You’ll find that cruising in a bathhouse is different than cruising almost anywhere else.

Club

Those of us who have gone to bathhouses for a while eventually start to use the word club to mean “bathhouse” — probably because it’s only one syllable or because a lot of bathhouses in North America are named “Club + City Name.”

Auntie often laughs because it sometimes sounds like we’re referring to an exclusive country club or social club. And I guess, at some level, we are… lol

DoxyPEP

DoxyPEP is short for Doxycycline Post-Exposure Prophylaxis. It involves taking the antibiotic Doxycycline after certain sexual encounters to help reduce the risk of some bacterial sexually transmitted infections (STIs), including chlamydia and syphilis.

It doesn’t prevent every STI, and it’s not right for everyone. If you’re curious whether DoxyPEP makes sense for you, have an honest conversation with your healthcare provider.

Fetish

A fetish is a strong sexual fascination with a particular object, material, body part, sensation, scenario, or activity. For some people, the fetish is simply an enjoyable enhancement to sex or fantasy. For others, it may be a central part of what creates sexual excitement or attraction.

Common fetishes involve:

  • Leather, rubber, or other materials
  • Feet, sneakers, socks, or underwear
  • Specific smells or sensations
  • Uniforms, gear, or particular clothing
  • Certain environments, scenarios, or forms of roleplay

People sometimes use kink and fetish interchangeably, but they are not exactly the same thing. A kink is a broad category of interests that falls outside “vanilla” sexual expectations. A fetish usually refers to a more specific focus of arousal or fascination.

Like many parts of bathhouse and cruising culture, healthy fetish exploration depends on communication, trust, boundaries, and clear, unambiguous consent.

Auntie says…

Human beings are gloriously complex creatures. Somewhere out there is a person who looked at an ordinary object, article of clothing, or situation and thought, “Oh. Oh my.” Auntie’s advice is simple: know yourself, communicate honestly, and avoid yucking somebody else’s yum unless they’re causing harm.

Frottage / Frotting

Frottage (or frotting) refers to erotic rubbing or friction between bodies, body parts — with or without clothing between. In queer and bathhouse culture, the term is often used specifically to describe genital-to-genital rubbing between two people.

Some people enjoy frotting as:

  • Foreplay
  • A form of intimacy or sensual connection
  • A lower-risk sexual activity
  • A primary sexual interest or preference

Frotting can happen clothed, partially clothed, or naked, and it may involve body contact ranging from playful grinding on a dance floor to much more intentional sexual activity in private or semi-private spaces.

Like all sexual activities in bathhouse and cruising culture, frotting depends on mutual interest, body language, communication, and clear consent.

Auntie says…

Human beings figured out that rubbing against each other felt good approximately six minutes after the invention of human beings. Sometimes the classics endure for a reason.

Gang showers

Most of us experienced gang showers in middle school and high school gym class. If not, we have probably seen movies featuring high school or prison shower room scenes. And porn seems to return to the showers frequently as the setting for a scene between two or more people.

Most bathhouses provide shower facilities, and most of those are of the “gang shower” type. You might find dividers between shower heads in some clubs, and others might provide a private shower or two. But Auntie’s experience is that they’re almost always gang showers: more than one shower head in a large room or open space.

The showers at the baths are for keeping clean — before, between, and after encounters. And they’re also in a highly sexually charged environment, so you will see:

  • Showing off while showering
  • Lots of glances and outright looking at each other
  • Occasional sexual activity

Auntie says…

It’s okay to play in the gang showers; lots of folks do. However, please remember that private showers are for getting clean — by one person at a time. Don’t hog the private shower to have fun with a new “friend.”

Gloryhole

Picture a wall with a hole right at waist-level. Now imagine two people walking up to said wall, one on each side. One puts their waist-level body parts at or through the hole, and the other gets to decide what happens next. There are more combinations than you might imagine!

Kink

A kink is something that we do or enjoy (a sexual interest, activity, dynamic, object, sensation, or fantasy) that falls outside what a particular culture considers “typical” or “vanilla” sexual behavior.

Kinks can range from playful and fairly common interests to highly specific activities or subcultures. Some people see kink as an occasional curiosity or enhancement to their sex life. Others experience it as an important part of their identity, relationships, or participation in queer and alternative communities.

Not all kink involves pain, restraint, or BDSM. Many kinks focus on:

  • Roleplay
  • Clothing or gear
  • Specific sensations
  • Power dynamics
  • Voyeurism or exhibitionism
  • Particular environments, moods, or scenarios (which means that some people might consider “cruising a bathhouse” a kink)

Like many things in bathhouse and cruising culture, healthy kink depends on communication, trust, boundaries, negotiation, and clear, unambiguous consent.

Auntie says…

Almost everybody has something that makes them say, “Well that’s… unexpectedly interesting and fun.” Kink is often less about being “wild” or “shocking” and more about discovering what makes your own brain, body, and imagination light up like Times Square.

LGBTQIA+

The initials are important… and the list grows all the time. On this site, Auntie tends to use “LGBTQ,” but I actually prefer the longer lists. They are important because they indicate that we’re including a wide range of sexual orientations, genders, gender identities, and sexual attractions in our community.

And to be very clear: Auntie feels that everyone is welcome in the list and the community. No exclusions. And preferably on this site, no arguments.

But what do the initials mean?

  • Lesbian
  • Gay
  • Bisexual
  • Trans
  • Queer or Questioning
  • Intersex
  • Asexual or Aromantic
  • + for those who don’t fit in any of the other categories but identify as part of the community

In some contexts (especially in Canada), you may also see 2S included somewhere in the list. That stands for Two-Spirit people (a Native American term).

Locker

Okay, okay, you know what a locker is. We’ve probably all been to a gym locker room at least once in our lives. Those are the types of lockers that almost all bathhouses have as well.

A couple things to keep in mind:

  • Unless the bathhouse requires you to bring your own lock (very, very rare these days), the staff probably has a spare key to the lock. Your items are safe there, but you’re not the only person who can access your locker.
  • It’s a gym locker, not a closet. Don’t bring a lot of extra clothes or other items with you. If you need some suggestions on what to bring, visit How to pack for a visit.
  • There’s almost certainly no privacy in the locker room. If you don’t want to strip completely naked when you get to the club, wear your “bathhouse outfit” (jock, underwear, etc.) under your street clothes — or wrap your towel around your waist before you remove your undershorts.

Maid service

This one was new to Auntie, too, because it’s a somewhat older term, and it tended to be a bit more regional than widespread.

In bathhouse culture, maid service was sometimes used jokingly or euphemistically to refer to “cleaning up” after sexual activity — whether literally (fresh towels and cleaning the bathhouse spaces) or with a much more mischievous meaning intended.

Depending on the club, city, era, or person using the phrase, “maid service” might refer to:

  • Actual bathhouse staff doing their regular duties
  • Someone eager to help “clean up” (big theatrical wink wink)
  • Post-play cleanup humor or fetish play
  • Campy innuendo that was never meant to be fully explained out loud

Like many older bathhouse expressions, the phrase often relied on everybody understanding the joke without spelling it out directly. And now Auntie has gone and done just that — explained that which everyone was supposed to “just understand.”

Auntie says…

If somebody in a bathhouse says “maid service,” pay close attention to whether they’re holding fresh towels, grinning mischievously, or both.

PnP

PnP is an abbreviation for “party-and-play,” and you’ll often see it on cruising apps, hookup sites, and online profiles. It usually indicates someone who is into drug use before or during sexual activity. Auntie lives by the adage, “to each their own” and reminds you:

  • If you’re into PnP, be sure that you can still give and receive clear, informed, enthusiastic consent before engaging in sexual activity.
  • If you’re not into it, it’s quite okay for you to decline politely and move along to Mr. Next.

You might also see terms like party, parTy, clouds, and other terms to refer to the same scene.

PrEP

PrEP is short for pre-exposure prophylaxis. It refers to medications taken before potential HIV exposure to dramatically reduce the risk of acquiring HIV when taken as prescribed.

Common PrEP medications include Truvada and Descovy among others.

PrEP does not protect against other STIs, so it’s one tool — an important one — in a larger sexual health toolkit.

Poppers

You’ll find (well, smell) poppers at almost any gay bathhouse in North America. Technically, they are an inhalable substance in small glass bottles. In the USA, they’re usually isopropyl or isobutyl nitrites. The rest of the world often has butyl or pentyl nitrites. No matter what type you find, the typical effects are:

  • Brief head rush
  • Mild warm sensation or flushing
  • Relaxing of smooth muscles
  • Heightened sexual sensation and sensitivity

They’re typically used in the bathhouse to make certain sexual activities easier.

Please remember a few things about poppers:

  • They may be regulated by local laws. Don’t break the law.
  • Many people use them without problems, but be sure they’re safe and appropriate for you.
  • No one has to do poppers just because you’re in a bathhouse. Only do what makes you comfortable.
  • Poppers are inhaled (or “huffed” in an older term), not swallowed or injected.
  • If you get some of the liquid on your skin, get to a sink quickly and rinse well.
  • Don’t overdo it. There can be side-effects or longer-term health effects to using poppers too much or too often.
  • Healthcare professionals remind us that it’s not safe to use poppers with Cialis or Viagra because the combination can cause dangerously low blood pressure.

Queer

Auntie has lived with this word for my entire life. As a kid, it was one of the worst pejoratives anyone could use. Adults would use it to sneer at someone — or literally just before an attack on the person. Other kids would use it because they learned early that it was a way to attack, belittle, and bully someone who was different.

Then sometime in the 1980s or so, those of us in the LGBTQIA+ community started to “take it back:” We used it of ourselves to reclaim the word and to take the sting out of it. One of the chants at Pride in those days was often, “We’re here. We’re queer. Get used to it.”

Today you’ll hear many people in the community using it as a substitute for the list of initials LGBTQIA+. Throughout this site, you’ll notice that Auntie uses it almost exactly that same way.

Auntie says…

If you’re here, and you’re queer (no matter how you define it): Welcome!

Room

You’re visiting a bathhouse, not a hotel, so don’t expect a lot out of the rooms. Basic bathhouse rooms are about 6’ x 10’ with a small bed and somewhere to store or hang your clothes. The goal of a room is to have a quiet space to rest and relax or to bring back a new “friend” to have fun with if you don’t want to play in public.

Many bathhouses also offer larger rooms or additional features like:

  • A TV playing porn
  • A locker to store your clothes and valuables
  • A sling
  • A gloryhole into the hallway or another room

A few bathhouses (very few) have deluxe rooms that resemble small hotel rooms with sink and/or private shower.

It’s smart to call the club or to check their website for the types of rooms that they offer and how much each costs.

Auntie says…

You’re renting the room for only a few hours (usually 4, 6, or 8 hours at a time). You’ll want to ask about how to extend your time if you’re still having fun when the time runs out.

Safer sex

Safer sex is a term that developed in relation to the HIV pandemic of the 1980s and 1990s. It includes a number of activities and choices designed to reduce the spread of STIs, such as:

Auntie says…

Be clear if you only want safer sex, and communicate your preferences with each potential partner. Most people will be into it. Some won’t, and that’s okay. If Mr. Right Now doesn’t want to play the way you want, Mr. Next will.

No matter how you play at a bathhouse, have fun!

Sling

If you haven’t seen or used one, the sling you might find in a bathhouse is like a large swing where a person can lie down (usually on their back, but sometimes on their stomach), and they’re ready for whoever and whatever may come their way. The sling is usually attached to a ceiling or sturdy frame by heavy-duty chains. The chains may have cuffs for one’s ankles, to keep one in a receptive position.

Note that lying in a sling tends to imply consent to having sex with just about anyone who wishes to engage, but each of us is always allowed to ask someone not to engage, to stop — or if we need, to get out of the sling and move away for a time.

Slurp ramp

It’s not exactly onomatopoeia, but you’ll quickly figure out where the name came from:

A slurp ramp is a gloryhole space on two levels:

  • The “feeders” go to the upper level, and everything appears like any other gloryhole space
  • The “suckers” go to the lower level, and the holes — and other interesting things — are right at face level So convenient! No bending or kneeling involved!

Auntie says…

If you want to meet me, figure out when I’m at Club Philly and check the basement slurp ramp. Auntie does love good ergonomic design! 😉

Status

In queer sexual-health conversations, status usually refers to a person’s current health information related to HIV, sexually transmitted infections (STIs), PrEP usage, testing history, or other relevant health factors.

Examples:

  • “What’s your status?” / “I’m negative and on PrEP.”
  • “My statuses are current, and I test every three months.”

Auntie says…

Your status isn’t a moral judgment. It’s health information. Know it, update it, and talk about it honestly.

STIs

STI stands for sexually transmitted infection. These are infections that can be passed from one person to another during sexual activity, including oral, anal, vaginal, skin-to-skin, or other intimate contact.

Some STIs cause obvious symptoms. Others cause none at all — which is why regular testing matters if you’re sexually active.

Auntie says…

Having an infection — including an STI — isn’t a moral judgment. It’s a health status. We’re all human, and we all contract something from time to time. Know your current sexual health, communicate honestly, and work with your healthcare provider to stay informed.

You can read more of Auntie’s thoughts in The Bathhouse and STIs.

Subculture

A subculture is a smaller culture that develops within a larger culture. Subcultures often create their own:

  • Language and slang
  • Social norms and etiquette
  • Symbols and styles
  • Traditions and rituals
  • Shared experiences and history

Queer communities contain many overlapping subcultures:

  • Bathhouses
  • Cruising
  • Leather
  • Drag
  • Bears and Otters
  • Pups
  • Ballroom
  • And countless others

All these developed — and continue to develop — their own customs, common understandings, expectations, humor, and ways of communicating.

Subcultures are not separate from the larger LGBTQIA+ community. They are part of the many ways queer people have built community, identity, belonging, pleasure, safety, and expression across generations.

Auntie says…

One of the easiest ways to recognize a subculture is this: The people inside it stop having to explain certain things to each other. The language, jokes, signals, etiquette, and expectations become natural to those on the “inside”— even if outsiders are completely baffled.

Theme nights

Bathhouses know their patrons and what they like. They’re also businesses that know how to drum up more business. One sure way is to declare a night to be dedicated to part of the queer community. Depending on the bathhouse and its location, you might find events dedicated to:

  • Leather night
  • Bear night (like Bear Union / Bear CumUnion)
  • Gender-inclusive or Trans night
  • Locals night (especially in popular destinations like Las Vegas)
  • CumUnion, an international sex party
  • All sorts of other themes

Some of these include price specials. They’re all designed to bring in a crowd ready to have a good time — very often on nights that aren’t traditionally busy.

Towel

Most gay bathhouses lend you a towel to use during your visit. You’ll need to return it or put it in the “used towel” bin when you check out. A few thoughts about bathhouse towels:

  • This isn’t a Hilton, honey. The towel may be a bit threadbare and have a small hole or two, but it’s functional: You can use it to dry yourself after a shower or clean up after each encounter.
  • Most clubs allow you to ask for a clean towel when yours has become too wet or dirty to continue using. In a few cases, they may charge you a small exchange fee (a dollar or so).
  • Bathhouses use industrial-grade detergent, bleach, and fabric softener. If you have sensitive skin, you might want to bring your own towel — and consider wearing something else (like a sauna wrap) around your waist.
  • There’s a good chance that the towel isn’t very large. Some clubs have larger towels available if you ask. For some of us who have a bigger build, if the club doesn’t provide a towel that is large enough, we might want to bring our own.