Cruising Culture
Queer folks have been cruising each other for generations. We’ve been doing it for millennia, but the world didn’t have a term for it. It was one of the primary ways that we found each other (and some folks still do) in oppressive societies. The Bathhouse Queen believes that Cruising in western, less- or not-oppressive societies is almost an art form.
Even with that, cruising in a bathhouse isn’t just a sub-genre of the art. It’s its own thing entirely. If this all feels a little mysterious or even intimidating, that’s completely normal — cruising in a bathhouse has its own rhythm, and it takes a few minutes to get used to. I’m here to help you be prepared for it.
What makes cruising in a bathhouse so different?
It’s mostly nonverbal
Yes, we all know The Look. We’ve seen it across the bar or dance floor. We’ve flashed it at someone on the sidewalk. Outside the baths (or sex clubs, orgies, and circle jerks), we switch to verbal communication quickly to determine interest, to give and obtain consent, and to figure out what we’re going to do together.
Most of that verbal communication is not used in the bathhouse — especially in the dark, play spaces. In the bathhouse, we use a lot of body language and touch to communicate interest and to direct the action.
But first, consent
Even in a place like a bathhouse, whose main purpose is queer people having sex together, clear, unambiguous consent is still an imperative.
You do not have to do anything that you don’t want to do.
You don’t have to do something with someone you’re not interested in.
They don’t have to do something with you just because you’re into them or very good at it.
Neither of you has to continue the encounter when it stops being fun or exciting.
Throughout the entire encounter, both of you need to communicate that you are comfortable moving to the next stage. Or not.
So, what are the ways to cruise in the baths?
- It starts with The Look if you can see each other.
- If you’re interested, it’s smart to move toward the other person. If they move toward you, you have your first good sign. (If they move away, that’s the sign for you to move along.)
- Next — or often the first step if you’re in a dark space where you can’t see each other — is a touch
- Lightly brush their arm, chest, or leg
- If you’re sitting close to each other, consider brushing your leg against theirs
- If you choose a touch on the crotch or butt, make it gentle; groping as a sign of interest is rude and gross
- If they respond well to the touch, then you can move onto other activities
- It’s also ok to use this opportunity to ask some questions
- What are you into?
- Are you a top or a bottom?
- Want to go back to my room?
- Mind if we use a condom?
- While you’re having fun, continue to use body language to indicate what you want to do
- Use your hands and body to guide them into the places and positions that are exciting and comfortable for you
- Verbal affirmations and encouragement help your partner to know what you’re liking and that they should continue
- If you’re really enjoying something and they want to progress to another stage before you’re ready, let them know; make sure you’re both having as much fun as possible in the moment
- If something isn’t quite right, make sure that you let them know that, too
- When you need something to stop, say it
- If it stops being fun or comfortable, it’s quite okay to stop everything and move away
- Certain body postures clearly signal what you want to do next
- In spaces like gloryholes, slings, or benches, consent is typically communicated through participation — people engage because they want to
Remember: You don’t actually ever have to participate if you don’t want to. It’s perfectly fine to walk around, watch what’s happening — and maybe even leave without touching another person. Be you. Do what feels right, good, or fun for you.
How do I say No? What if they say No?
This is important territory: Each of us is allowed to decide what we do and don’t want to do — and with whom. That’s true in bathhouses just like everywhere else. And you can say it without words.
- If someone approaches you, but you’re not into them, simply step away
- If someone touches you and it’s not the right vibe, politely but firmly push their hand away.
- If someone refuses your approach or touch, it’s polite to apologize, and move on
- Even when things are “hot and heavy,” you’re still allowed to say No or Stop and to move away from the situation
What about cruising multiple people at once?
This happens frequently in bathhouses: You’ll be cruising and realize that more than one person is picking up on — and responding to — your signals of interest. If you’re looking for a multiple-person encounter, go for it! Use all the same approaches as I mentioned above, but make sure that it’s mutual and cooperative amongst all of you.
What if a couple is playing and I want to join?
This also happens. You’ll suddenly realize that one or both are really into you, and they start to give you signals. That’s the easiest way to know that you’re welcome to join the fun.
However, you can also initiate:
- Walk close to them while you watch
- Playing with yourself a bit is always a sign of what you’re hoping for; removing your towel completely is a universally understood signal
- If you get the sense that they’re into the idea (or at least not against it), try touching one of them lightly (chest, leg, arm, etc., just like So, what are the ways to cruise in the baths? above )
- They’ll let you know pretty quickly if they’re ready for you to join
If you approach and initiate contact, but they’re not into it, make a quick apology, and move on. Nothing ventured, nothing gained.
The most important fact
When you’re cruising the baths, you’re there hoping to have fun. You’re in charge of that for yourself — just like everyone else around you is in charge of it for themselves. Be polite, be clear, ensure you have the agreement of each partner, and have fun!