I first encountered these “rules” many years ago. I first encountered them on some bathhouse websites back in the 1990s or so, but they had been floating around Usenet prior to that. I know that I also read them on some webzines like QNews and Bent in the early 2000s. Xtra Magazine mentioned them as recently as 2009 in an article about Lady Bunny.
They always make me chuckle, so I pass them on to you, hoping that you’ll chuckle, too. (Note that I’ve updated them slightly, but not much.) Like all good jokes, there’s a bit of truth in them—but for actual guidance, stick with the rest of this site.
The Rules of the Baths
- You can have a heart attack fucking in the hot tub.
- It is extremely hazardous to your health to attempt to inhale poppers while under water.
- Saying, “I’m resting”, to everyone who seeks entry into your room defeats the purpose of going to the baths.
- If everyone who said, “I don’t come here often,” was telling the truth, there would be no one there.
- Those who lie naked on their stomachs with their asses in the air remind one of electric pencil sharpeners.
- Conversation in the dark room should be kept to a minimum… (no talk of weather, ex‑lovers, favorite lube, etc.)
- If you are looking for a wonderfully spiritual union with a kindred spirit, you are in the wrong place.
- Do not assume that the guys walking into walls are on some weird new drug; most likely, they have just left their glasses in their lockers. Better to look good than to see good.
- Please realize that bathrooms have legitimate purposes. A blowjob in a cubicle while seven guys are holding their legs crossed outside won’t make you popular.
- If you see a man in a room with Crisco, a thick belt, and a bottle of poppers… know what they’re for before entering.
- It’s okay to bring your own rope; it’s not okay to tie yourself up.
- Spending seventy-two consecutive hours at the baths will neither destroy your reputation nor greatly enhance it.
- If you’re cheating on your lover at the baths, don’t make a scene if you run into them there.
- People who say, “I’ve never done that before,” should be informed that deep-throating isn’t genetic.
- Those who lose keys to their rooms or lockers are never heard from again.
- The law of increasing good looks: people tend to become more attractive the longer you’re there.
- Men with small cocks can be technically astonishing; men with big dicks don’t have to know a damn thing.
- A primitive tribe in Borneo does not have a word for No. They deny sexual favors by looking mournful and saying, “I’d like to, but I just came.”
- After you’ve been fucked by twelve guys in the orgy room, you will never again convince anyone with your coy routine.
- Asking to borrow someone’s cockring is even more tasteless than asking to borrow someone’s toothbrush.
- The Law of Maximum Discomfort: When they call your room or locker number, you’ll be in a position that’s impossible to get out of without injury.
- Giggling is not an appropriate response to “Wanna fuck?”
- If you remember the title of the porn in the video area, you didn’t have a good time.
- It is pointless to consider why guys who won’t even talk to you at the bars are so eager to suck your cock at the baths.
- Spending more than two hours with the same person makes you a couple; four hours, and you’re engaged. On a good night, bigamy’s possible.
- It is considered embarrassing to have sex with someone you already know.
- Spending hours deciding what to wear to the baths is inane.
- Never try to explain the baths to the “proud heterosexuals.”
- “Formal attire” means a black jockstrap.
- Contrary to popular belief, one can indeed be too clean.
- You can never be too rich, too muscular, or have too big a dick.
- Believe it or not, good sex without poppers is possible. A man in New Jersey claims he does it all the time.
Footnote: Remember that these aren’t actual rules. They’re longstanding jokes that capture some of the bathhouse culture from the 60s through the 90s.